Enter Olivia and Maria.OLIVIA, ⌜aside⌝ I have sent after him. He says he’ll come. How shall I feast him? What bestow of him? For youth is bought more oft than begged or borrowed.5 I speak too loud.— Where’s Malvolio? He is sad and civil And suits well for a servant with my fortunes. Where is Malvolio?MARIA He’s coming, madam, but in very strange manner.10 He is sure possessed, madam.OLIVIA Why, what’s the matter? Does he rave?MARIA No, madam, he does nothing but smile. Your Ladyship were best to have some guard about you if he come, for sure the man is tainted in ’s wits.OLIVIA 15 Go call him hither. ⌜Maria exits.⌝ I am as mad as he, If sad and merry madness equal be.
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Enter ⌜Maria with⌝ Malvolio. How now, Malvolio?MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho!OLIVIA Smil’st thou? I sent for thee upon a sad20 occasion.MALVOLIO Sad, lady? I could be sad. This does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering, but what of that? If it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is: “Please one, and25 please all.”⌜OLIVIA⌝ Why, how dost thou, man? What is the matter with thee?MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall30 be executed. I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.OLIVIA Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?MALVOLIO To bed? “Ay, sweetheart, and I’ll come to thee.”OLIVIA 35God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so, and kiss thy hand so oft?MARIA How do you, Malvolio?MALVOLIO At your request? Yes, nightingales answer daws!MARIA 40Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?MALVOLIO “Be not afraid of greatness.” ’Twas well writ.OLIVIA What mean’st thou by that, Malvolio?MALVOLIO 45“Some are born great—”OLIVIA Ha?MALVOLIO “Some achieve greatness—”OLIVIA What sayst thou?MALVOLIO “And some have greatness thrust upon50 them.”
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OLIVIA Heaven restore thee!MALVOLIO “Remember who commended thy yellow stockings—”OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings?MALVOLIO 55“And wished to see thee cross-gartered.”OLIVIA Cross-gartered?MALVOLIO “Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so—”OLIVIA Am I made?MALVOLIO 60“If not, let me see thee a servant still.”OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness!Enter Servant.SERVANT Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned. I could hardly entreat him back. He attends your Ladyship’s pleasure.OLIVIA 65I’ll come to him. ⌜Servant exits.⌝ Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my Cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him. I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.⌜Olivia and Maria⌝ exit ⌜in different directions.⌝MALVOLIO 70O ho, do you come near me now? No worse man than Sir Toby to look to me. This concurs directly with the letter. She sends him on purpose that I may appear stubborn to him, for she incites me to that in the letter: “Cast thy humble slough,”75 says she. “Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue ⌜tang⌝ with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity,” and consequently sets down the manner how: as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit80 of some Sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her, but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, “Let this fellow be looked to.” “Fellow!” Not “Malvolio,” nor after my
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degree, but “fellow.” Why, everything adheres together,85 that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance—what can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and90 he is to be thanked.Enter Toby, Fabian, and Maria.TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.FABIAN Here he is, here he is.—How is ’t with you, sir?95 How is ’t with you, man?MALVOLIO Go off, I discard you. Let me enjoy my private. Go off.MARIA, ⌜to Toby⌝ Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady100 prays you to have a care of him.MALVOLIO Aha, does she so?TOBY, ⌜to Fabian and Maria⌝ Go to, go to! Peace, peace. We must deal gently with him. Let me alone.—How do you, Malvolio? How is ’t with you? What, man,105 defy the devil! Consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?MARIA, ⌜to Toby⌝ La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God he be not bewitched!FABIAN 110Carry his water to th’ wisewoman.MARIA Marry, and it shall be done tomorrow morning if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say.MALVOLIO How now, mistress?MARIA 115O Lord!TOBY Prithee, hold thy peace. This is not the way. Do you not see you move him? Let me alone with him.
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FABIAN No way but gentleness, gently, gently. The120 fiend is rough and will not be roughly used.TOBY, ⌜to Malvolio⌝ Why, how now, my bawcock? How dost thou, chuck?MALVOLIO Sir!TOBY Ay, biddy, come with me.—What, man, ’tis not125 for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan. Hang him, foul collier!MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby; get him to pray.MALVOLIO My prayers, minx?MARIA, ⌜to Toby⌝ 130No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.MALVOLIO Go hang yourselves all! You are idle, shallow things. I am not of your element. You shall know more hereafter.He exits.TOBY 135Is ’t possible?FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.TOBY His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.MARIA 140Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.MARIA The house will be the quieter.TOBY Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and145 bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad. We may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him, at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a150 finder of madmen. But see, but see!Enter Sir Andrew.FABIAN More matter for a May morning.ANDREW, ⌜presenting a paper⌝ Here’s the challenge. Read it. I warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in ’t.
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FABIAN Is ’t so saucy?ANDREW 155Ay, is ’t. I warrant him. Do but read.TOBY Give me. ⌜He reads.⌝ Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.FABIAN Good, and valiant.TOBY ⌜reads⌝ Wonder not nor admire not in thy mind
160 why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason
for ’t.FABIAN A good note, that keeps you from the blow of the law.TOBY ⌜reads⌝ Thou com’st to the Lady Olivia, and in my
165 sight she uses thee kindly. But thou liest in thy throat;
that is not the matter I challenge thee for.FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good sense—less.TOBY ⌜reads⌝ I will waylay thee going home, where if it be
thy chance to kill me—FABIAN 170Good.TOBY ⌜reads⌝ Thou kill’st me like a rogue and a villain.FABIAN Still you keep o’ th’ windy side of the law. Good.TOBY ⌜reads⌝ Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon
175 one of our souls. He may have mercy upon mine, but
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as
thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
Andrew Aguecheek. If this letter move him not, his legs cannot. I’ll180 give ’t him.MARIA You may have very fit occasion for ’t. He is now in some commerce with my lady and will by and by depart.TOBY Go, Sir Andrew. Scout me for him at the corner185 of the orchard like a bum-baily. So soon as ever thou seest him, draw, and as thou draw’st, swear horrible, for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself190 would have earned him. Away!
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ANDREW Nay, let me alone for swearing.He exits.TOBY Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between195 his lord and my niece confirms no less. Therefore, this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth. He will find it comes from a clodpoll. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth, set upon Aguecheek a notable200 report of valor, and drive the gentleman (as I know his youth will aptly receive it) into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury, and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.Enter Olivia and Viola.FABIAN 205Here he comes with your niece. Give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.TOBY I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.⌜Toby, Fabian, and Maria exit.⌝OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone210 And laid mine honor too unchary on ’t. There’s something in me that reproves my fault, But such a headstrong potent fault it is That it but mocks reproof.VIOLA With the same ’havior that your passion bears215 Goes on my master’s griefs.OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel for me. ’Tis my picture. Refuse it not. It hath no tongue to vex you. And I beseech you come again tomorrow. What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,220 That honor, saved, may upon asking give?
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VIOLA Nothing but this: your true love for my master.OLIVIA How with mine honor may I give him that Which I have given to you?VIOLA I will acquit you.OLIVIA 225 Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well. A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.⌜She exits.⌝Enter Toby and Fabian.TOBY Gentleman, God save thee.VIOLA And you, sir.TOBY That defense thou hast, betake thee to ’t. Of what230 nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not, but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard end. Dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skillful, and deadly.VIOLA 235You mistake, sir. I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me. My remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offense done to any man.TOBY You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you. Therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your240 guard, for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill, and wrath can furnish man withal.VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he?TOBY He is knight dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private245 brawl. Souls and bodies hath he divorced three, and his incensement at this moment is so implacable that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulcher. “Hob, nob” is his word; “give ’t or take ’t.”VIOLA 250I will return again into the house and desire
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some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others to taste their valor. Belike this is a man of that quirk.TOBY 255Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury. Therefore get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him. Therefore on,260 or strip your sword stark naked, for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.VIOLA This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight265 what my offense to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.TOBY I will do so.—Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.Toby exits.VIOLA Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?FABIAN 270I know the knight is incensed against you even to a mortal arbitrament, but nothing of the circumstance more.VIOLA I beseech you, what manner of man is he?FABIAN Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read275 him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valor. He is indeed, sir, the most skillful, bloody, and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I280 can.VIOLA I shall be much bound to you for ’t. I am one that had rather go with Sir Priest than Sir Knight, I care not who knows so much of my mettle.They exit.Enter Toby and Andrew.
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TOBY Why, man, he’s a very devil. I have not seen such285 a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard, and all, and he gives me the stuck-in with such a mortal motion that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hits the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer290 to the Sophy.ANDREW Pox on ’t! I’ll not meddle with him.TOBY Ay, but he will not now be pacified. Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.ANDREW Plague on ’t! An I thought he had been295 valiant, and so cunning in fence, I’d have seen him damned ere I’d have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, gray Capilet.TOBY I’ll make the motion. Stand here, make a good300 show on ’t. This shall end without the perdition of souls. ⌜Aside.⌝ Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.Enter Fabian and Viola.⌜Toby crosses to meet them.⌝ ⌜Aside to Fabian.⌝ I have his horse to take up the quarrel. I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.FABIAN, ⌜aside to Toby⌝ 305He is as horribly conceited of him, and pants and looks pale as if a bear were at his heels.TOBY, ⌜to Viola⌝ There’s no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for ’s oath sake. Marry, he hath better310 bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of. Therefore, draw for the supportance of his vow. He protests he will not hurt you.VIOLA Pray God defend me! ⌜Aside.⌝ A little thing315 would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
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FABIAN Give ground if you see him furious.⌜Toby crosses to Andrew.⌝TOBY Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy. The gentleman will, for his honor’s sake, have one bout320 with you. He cannot by the duello avoid it. But he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on, to ’t.ANDREW, ⌜drawing his sword⌝ Pray God he keep his oath!VIOLA, ⌜drawing her sword⌝ 325 I do assure you ’tis against my will.Enter Antonio.ANTONIO, ⌜to Andrew⌝ Put up your sword. If this young gentleman Have done offense, I take the fault on me. If you offend him, I for him defy you.TOBY You, sir? Why, what are you?ANTONIO, ⌜drawing his sword⌝ 330 One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more Than you have heard him brag to you he will.TOBY, ⌜drawing his sword⌝ Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.Enter Officers.FABIAN O, good Sir Toby, hold! Here come the officers.TOBY, ⌜to Antonio⌝ I’ll be with you anon.VIOLA, ⌜to Andrew⌝ 335Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.ANDREW Marry, will I, sir. And for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my word. He will bear you easily, and reins well.FIRST OFFICER 340This is the man. Do thy office.SECOND OFFICER Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir.
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FIRST OFFICER No, sir, no jot. I know your favor well,345 Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.— Take him away. He knows I know him well.ANTONIO I must obey. ⌜To Viola.⌝ This comes with seeking you. But there’s no remedy. I shall answer it.350 What will you do, now my necessity Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me Much more for what I cannot do for you Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed, But be of comfort.SECOND OFFICER 355 Come, sir, away.ANTONIO, ⌜to Viola⌝ I must entreat of you some of that money.VIOLA What money, sir? For the fair kindness you have showed me here, And part being prompted by your present trouble,360 Out of my lean and low ability I’ll lend you something. My having is not much. I’ll make division of my present with you. Hold, there’s half my coffer.⌜Offering him money.⌝ANTONIO Will you deny me now?365 Is ’t possible that my deserts to you Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery, Lest that it make me so unsound a man As to upbraid you with those kindnesses That I have done for you.VIOLA 370 I know of none, Nor know I you by voice or any feature. I hate ingratitude more in a man Than lying, vainness, babbling drunkenness, Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption375 Inhabits our frail blood—ANTONIO O heavens themselves!
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SECOND OFFICER Come, sir, I pray you go.ANTONIO Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here I snatched one half out of the jaws of death,380 Relieved him with such sanctity of love, And to his image, which methought did promise Most venerable worth, did I devotion.FIRST OFFICER What’s that to us? The time goes by. Away!ANTONIO But O, how vile an idol proves this god!385 Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame. In nature there’s no blemish but the mind; None can be called deformed but the unkind. Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil Are empty trunks o’erflourished by the devil.FIRST OFFICER 390 The man grows mad. Away with him.—Come, come, sir.ANTONIO Lead me on.⌜Antonio and Officers⌝ exit.VIOLA, ⌜aside⌝ Methinks his words do from such passion fly That he believes himself; so do not I.395 Prove true, imagination, O, prove true, That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!TOBY Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian. We’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.⌜Toby, Fabian, and Andrew move aside.⌝VIOLA, ⌜aside⌝ He named Sebastian. I my brother know400 Yet living in my glass. Even such and so In favor was my brother, and he went Still in this fashion, color, ornament, For him I imitate. O, if it prove, Tempests are kind, and salt waves fresh in love!⌜She exits.⌝
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TOBY 405A very dishonest, paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare. His dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious410 in it.ANDREW ’Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.TOBY Do, cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.ANDREW An I do not—FABIAN 415Come, let’s see the event.TOBY I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.⌜They⌝ exit.
