Enter Sir Toby and Maria.TOBY What a plague means my niece to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.MARIA By my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier5 o’ nights. Your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.TOBY Why, let her except before excepted!MARIA Ay, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.TOBY 10Confine? I’ll confine myself no finer than I am. These clothes are good enough to drink in, and so be these boots too. An they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps!MARIA That quaffing and drinking will undo you. I15 heard my lady talk of it yesterday, and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.TOBY Who, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?MARIA Ay, he.TOBY 20He’s as tall a man as any ’s in Illyria.MARIA What’s that to th’ purpose?TOBY Why, he has three thousand ducats a year!MARIA Ay, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats. He’s a very fool and a prodigal.TOBY 25Fie that you’ll say so! He plays o’ th’ viol-de-gamboys and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
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MARIA He hath indeed, almost natural, for, besides30 that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreler, and, but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarreling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.TOBY By this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors35 that say so of him. Who are they?MARIA They that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.TOBY With drinking healths to my niece. I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and40 drink in Illyria. He’s a coward and a coistrel that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ th’ toe like a parish top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo, for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.Enter Sir Andrew.ANDREW Sir Toby Belch! How now, Sir Toby Belch?TOBY 45Sweet Sir Andrew!ANDREW, ⌜to Maria⌝ Bless you, fair shrew.MARIA And you too, sir.TOBY Accost, Sir Andrew, accost!ANDREW What’s that?TOBY 50My niece’s chambermaid.⌜ANDREW⌝ Good Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.MARIA My name is Mary, sir.ANDREW Good Mistress Mary Accost—TOBY 55You mistake, knight. “Accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.ANDREW By my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?MARIA Fare you well, gentlemen.⌜She begins to exit.⌝TOBY 60An thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.ANDREW An you part so, mistress, I would I might
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never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?MARIA 65Sir, I have not you by th’ hand.ANDREW Marry, but you shall have, and here’s my hand.⌜He offers his hand.⌝MARIA, ⌜taking his hand⌝ Now sir, thought is free. I pray you, bring your hand to th’ butt’ry bar and let70 it drink.ANDREW Wherefore, sweetheart? What’s your metaphor?MARIA It’s dry, sir.ANDREW Why, I think so. I am not such an ass but I75 can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?MARIA A dry jest, sir.ANDREW Are you full of them?MARIA Ay, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends. Marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.Maria exits.TOBY 80O knight, thou lack’st a cup of canary! When did I see thee so put down?ANDREW Never in your life, I think, unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man85 has. But I am a great eater of beef, and I believe that does harm to my wit.TOBY No question.ANDREW An I thought that, I’d forswear it. I’ll ride home tomorrow, Sir Toby.TOBY 90Pourquoi, my dear knight?ANDREW What is “pourquoi”? Do, or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing, and bearbaiting. O, had I but followed the arts!TOBY 95Then hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.ANDREW Why, would that have mended my hair?TOBY Past question, for thou seest it will not ⌜curl by⌝ nature.
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ANDREW But it becomes ⌜me⌝ well enough, does ’t not?TOBY 100Excellent! It hangs like flax on a distaff, and I hope to see a huswife take thee between her legs and spin it off.ANDREW Faith, I’ll home tomorrow, Sir Toby. Your niece will not be seen, or if she be, it’s four to one105 she’ll none of me. The Count himself here hard by woos her.TOBY She’ll none o’ th’ Count. She’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit. I have heard her swear ’t. Tut, there’s life in ’t, man.ANDREW 110I’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ th’ strangest mind i’ th’ world. I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.TOBY Art thou good at these kickshawses, knight?ANDREW As any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be,115 under the degree of my betters, and yet I will not compare with an old man.TOBY What is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?ANDREW Faith, I can cut a caper.TOBY And I can cut the mutton to ’t.ANDREW 120And I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.TOBY Wherefore are these things hid? Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? Are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? Why dost125 thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig. I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy130 leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.ANDREW Ay, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a ⌜dun-colored⌝ stock. Shall we ⌜set⌝ about some revels?
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TOBY What shall we do else? Were we not born under135 Taurus?ANDREW Taurus? ⌜That’s⌝ sides and heart.TOBY No, sir, it is legs and thighs. Let me see thee caper. ⌜Sir Andrew dances.⌝ Ha, higher! Ha, ha, excellent!They exit.
Twelfth Night
