Enter Thersites, alone.⌜THERSITES⌝ How now, Thersites? What, lost in the labyrinth of thy fury? Shall the elephant Ajax carry it thus? He beats me, and I rail at him. O, worthy satisfaction! Would it were otherwise, that I could5 beat him whilst he railed at me. ’Sfoot, I’ll learn to conjure and raise devils but I’ll see some issue of my spiteful execrations. Then there’s Achilles, a rare enginer! If Troy be not taken till these two undermine it, the walls will stand till they fall of10 themselves. O thou great thunder-darter of Olympus, forget that thou art Jove, the king of gods; and, Mercury, lose all the serpentine craft of thy caduceus, if you take not that little, little, less than little wit from them that they have, which short-armed15 ignorance itself knows is so abundant scarce it will not in circumvention deliver a fly from a spider without drawing their massy irons and cutting the web. After this, the vengeance on the whole camp! Or rather, the Neapolitan bone-ache!20 For that, methinks, is the curse depending on those that war for a placket. I have said my prayers, and devil Envy say “Amen.”—What ho, my lord Achilles!PATROCLUS, ⌜within⌝ Who’s there? Thersites? Good25 Thersites, come in and rail.THERSITES If I could ’a remembered a gilt counterfeit, thou couldst not have slipped out of my contemplation. But it is no matter. Thyself upon thyself! The common curse of mankind, folly and ignorance,30 be thine in great revenue! Heaven bless thee from a tutor, and discipline come not near thee! Let thy blood be thy direction till thy death; then if she that lays thee out says thou art a fair corse, I’ll be
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sworn and sworn upon ’t she never shrouded any35 but lazars. Amen.⟨Enter Patroclus.⟩ Where’s Achilles?PATROCLUS What, art thou devout? Wast thou in prayer?THERSITES Ay. The heavens hear me![PATROCLUS 40Amen.]ACHILLES, ⌜within⌝ Who’s there?PATROCLUS Thersites, my lord.ACHILLES, ⌜within⌝ Where? Where? O, where?Enter Achilles. ⌜To Thersites.⌝ Art thou come? Why, my cheese, my45 digestion, why hast thou not served thyself in to my table so many meals? Come, what’s Agamemnon?THERSITES Thy commander, Achilles.—Then, tell me, Patroclus, what’s Achilles?PATROCLUS Thy lord, Thersites. Then, tell me, I pray50 thee, what’s Thersites?THERSITES Thy knower, Patroclus. Then, tell me, Patroclus, what art thou?PATROCLUS Thou must tell that knowest.ACHILLES O tell, tell.THERSITES 55I’ll decline the whole question. Agamemnon commands Achilles, Achilles is my lord, I am Patroclus’ knower, and Patroclus is a fool.⟨PATROCLUS You rascal!THERSITES Peace, fool. I have not done.ACHILLES, ⌜to Patroclus⌝ 60He is a privileged man.—Proceed, Thersites.THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool, Achilles is a fool, Thersites is a fool, and, as aforesaid, Patroclus is a fool.⟩ACHILLES 65Derive this. Come.
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THERSITES Agamemnon is a fool to offer to command Achilles, Achilles is a fool to be commanded ⟨of Agamemnon,⟩ Thersites is a fool to serve such a fool, and this Patroclus is a fool positive.PATROCLUS 70Why am I a fool?THERSITES Make that demand of the ⟨creator.⟩ It suffices me thou art.Enter ⌜at a distance⌝ Agamemnon, Ulysses, Nestor,
Diomedes, Ajax, and Calchas. Look you, who comes here?ACHILLES Patroclus, I’ll speak with nobody.—Come in75 with me, Thersites.⟨He exits.⟩THERSITES Here is such patchery, such juggling, and such knavery. All the argument is a whore and a cuckold, a good quarrel to draw emulous factions and bleed to death upon. ⟨Now the dry serpigo on80 the subject, and war and lechery confound all!⟩⌜He exits.⌝AGAMEMNON, ⌜to Patroclus⌝ Where is Achilles?PATROCLUS Within his tent, but ill-disposed, my lord.AGAMEMNON Let it be known to him that we are here. He ⌜shent⌝ our messengers, and we lay by85 Our ⟨appertainments,⟩ visiting of him. Let him be told so, lest perchance he think We dare not move the question of our place Or know not what we are.PATROCLUS I shall say so to him.⌜He exits.⌝ULYSSES 90 We saw him at the opening of his tent. He is not sick.AJAX Yes, lion-sick, sick of proud heart. You may call it melancholy if you will favor the man, but, by my
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head, ’tis pride. But, why, why? Let him show us a95 cause.—⟨A word, my lord.⟩⌜He and Agamemnon walk aside.⌝NESTOR What moves Ajax thus to bay at him?ULYSSES Achilles hath inveigled his fool from him.NESTOR Who, Thersites?ULYSSES He.NESTOR 100Then will Ajax lack matter, if he have lost his argument.ULYSSES No. You see, he is his argument that has his argument: Achilles.NESTOR All the better. Their fraction is more our wish105 than their faction. But it was a strong composure a fool could disunite.ULYSSES The amity that wisdom knits not, folly may easily untie.⟨Enter Patroclus.⟩ Here comes Patroclus.NESTOR 110No Achilles with him.ULYSSES The elephant hath joints, but none for courtesy; his legs are legs for necessity, not for flexure.PATROCLUS, ⌜to Agamemnon⌝ Achilles bids me say he is much sorry If anything more than your sport and pleasure115 Did move your greatness and this noble state To call upon him. He hopes it is no other But for your health and your digestion sake, An after-dinner’s breath.AGAMEMNON Hear you, Patroclus:120 We are too well acquainted with these answers, But his evasion, winged thus swift with scorn, Cannot outfly our apprehensions. Much attribute he hath, and much the reason Why we ascribe it to him. Yet all his virtues,125 Not virtuously on his own part beheld,
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Do in our eyes begin to lose their gloss, Yea, ⟨and⟩ like fair fruit in an unwholesome dish, Are like to rot untasted. Go and tell him We come to speak with him; and you shall not sin130 If you do say we think him overproud And underhonest, in self-assumption greater Than in the note of judgment; and worthier than himself Here tend the savage strangeness he puts on,135 Disguise the holy strength of their command, And underwrite in an observing kind His humorous predominance—yea, watch His course and time, his ebbs and flows, ⟨as⟩ if The passage and whole ⟨carriage of this action⟩140 Rode on his tide. Go tell him this, and add That, if he overhold his price so much, We’ll none of him. But let him, like an engine Not portable, lie under this report: “Bring action hither; this cannot go to war.”145 A stirring dwarf we do allowance give Before a sleeping giant. Tell him so.PATROCLUS I shall, and bring his answer presently.AGAMEMNON In second voice we’ll not be satisfied; We come to speak with him.—Ulysses, ⟨enter you.⟩⟨Ulysses exits, ⌜with Patroclus.⌝⟩AJAX 150What is he more than another?AGAMEMNON No more than what he thinks he is.AJAX Is he so much? Do you not think he thinks himself a better man than I am?AGAMEMNON No question.AJAX 155Will you subscribe his thought and say he is?AGAMEMNON No, noble Ajax. You are as strong, as valiant, as wise, no less noble, much more gentle, and altogether more tractable.
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AJAX Why should a man be proud? How doth pride160 grow? I know not what pride is.AGAMEMNON Your mind is the clearer, ⟨Ajax,⟩ and your virtues the fairer. He that is proud eats up himself. Pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle; and whatever praises itself but in the165 deed devours the deed in the praise.AJAX I do hate a proud man as I hate the engendering of toads.NESTOR, ⌜aside⌝ And yet he loves himself. Is ’t not strange?Enter Ulysses.ULYSSES Achilles will not to the field tomorrow.AGAMEMNON 170 What’s his excuse?ULYSSES He doth rely on none, But carries on the stream of his dispose, Without observance or respect of any, In will peculiar and in self-admission.AGAMEMNON 175 Why, will he not, upon our fair request, Untent his person and share th’ air with us?ULYSSES Things small as nothing, for request’s sake only, He makes important. Possessed he is with greatness And speaks not to himself but with a pride180 That quarrels at self-breath. Imagined worth Holds in his blood such swoll’n and hot discourse That ’twixt his mental and his active parts Kingdomed Achilles in commotion rages And batters down himself. What should I say?185 He is so plaguy proud that the death-tokens of it Cry “No recovery.”AGAMEMNON Let Ajax go to him.—
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Dear lord, go you and greet him in his tent. ’Tis said he holds you well and will be led190 At your request a little from himself.ULYSSES O Agamemnon, let it not be so! We’ll consecrate the steps that Ajax makes When they go from Achilles. Shall the proud lord That bastes his arrogance with his own seam195 And never suffers matter of the world Enter his thoughts, save such as doth revolve And ruminate himself—shall he be worshipped Of that we hold an idol more than he? No. This thrice-worthy and right valiant lord200 Shall not so stale his palm, nobly acquired, Nor, by my will, assubjugate his merit, As amply ⟨titled⟩ as Achilles is, By going to Achilles. That were to enlard his fat-already pride205 And add more coals to Cancer when he burns With entertaining great Hyperion. This lord go to him? Jupiter forbid And say in thunder “Achilles, go to him.”NESTOR, ⌜aside to Diomedes⌝ O, this is well; he rubs the vein of him.DIOMEDES, ⌜aside to Nestor⌝ 210 And how his silence drinks up ⟨this⟩ applause!AJAX If I go to him, with my armèd fist I’ll ⟨pash⟩ him o’er the face.AGAMEMNON O, no, you shall not go.AJAX An he be proud with me, I’ll feeze his pride.215 Let me go to him.ULYSSES Not for the worth that hangs upon our quarrel.AJAX A paltry, insolent fellow.
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NESTOR, ⌜aside⌝ How he describes himself!AJAX Can he not be sociable?ULYSSES, ⌜aside⌝ 220The raven chides blackness.AJAX I’ll ⟨let⟩ his humorous blood.AGAMEMNON, ⌜aside⌝ He will be the physician that should be the patient.AJAX An all men were of my mind—ULYSSES, ⌜aside⌝ 225Wit would be out of fashion.AJAX —he should not bear it so; he should eat swords first. Shall pride carry it?NESTOR, ⌜aside⌝ An ’twould, you’d carry half.⟨ULYSSES,⟩ ⌜aside⌝ He would have ten shares.AJAX 230I will knead him; I’ll make him supple.⌜NESTOR, aside⌝ He’s not yet through warm. Force him with ⟨praises.⟩ Pour in, pour ⟨in;⟩ his ambition is dry.ULYSSES, ⌜to Agamemnon⌝ My lord, you feed too much on this dislike.NESTOR, ⌜to Agamemnon⌝ Our noble general, do not do so.DIOMEDES, ⌜to Agamemnon⌝ 235 You must prepare to fight without Achilles.ULYSSES Why, ’tis this naming of him does him harm. Here is a man—but ’tis before his face; I will be silent.NESTOR Wherefore should you so?240 He is not emulous, as Achilles is.ULYSSES Know the whole world, he is as valiant—AJAX A whoreson dog, that shall palter with us thus! Would he were a Trojan!NESTOR What a vice were it in Ajax now—ULYSSES 245If he were proud—DIOMEDES Or covetous of praise—ULYSSES Ay, or surly borne—DIOMEDES Or strange, or self-affected—
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ULYSSES, ⌜to Ajax⌝ Thank the heavens, lord, thou art of sweet250 composure. Praise him that gat thee, she that gave thee suck; Famed be thy tutor, and thy parts of nature Thrice famed beyond, ⟨beyond⟩ thy erudition; But he that disciplined thine arms to fight,255 Let Mars divide eternity in twain And give him half; and for thy vigor, Bull-bearing Milo his addition yield To sinewy Ajax. I will not praise thy wisdom, Which like a ⟨bourn,⟩ a pale, a shore confines260 ⟨Thy⟩ spacious and dilated parts. Here’s Nestor, Instructed by the antiquary times; He must, he is, he cannot but be wise.— But pardon, father Nestor, were your days As green as Ajax’ and your brain so tempered,265 You should not have the eminence of him, But be as Ajax.AJAX Shall I call you father?NESTOR Ay, my good son.DIOMEDES Be ruled by him, Lord Ajax.ULYSSES 270 There is no tarrying here; the hart Achilles Keeps thicket. Please it our great general To call together all his state of war. Fresh kings are come to Troy. Tomorrow We must with all our main of power stand fast.275 And here’s a lord—come knights from east to west And ⟨cull⟩ their flower, Ajax shall cope the best.AGAMEMNON Go we to council. Let Achilles sleep. Light boats sail swift, though greater hulks draw deep.They exit.
Troilus and Cressida: 
