Enter Beggar (Christopher Sly) and Hostess.SLY I’ll feeze you, in faith.HOSTESS A pair of stocks, you rogue!SLY You’re a baggage! The Slys are no rogues. Look in the chronicles. We came in with Richard Conqueror.5 Therefore, paucas pallabris, let the world slide. Sessa!HOSTESS You will not pay for the glasses you have burst?SLY No, not a denier. Go, by ⌜Saint⌝ Jeronimy! Go to10 thy cold bed and warm thee.⌜He lies down.⌝HOSTESS I know my remedy. I must go fetch the headborough.⌜She exits.⌝SLY Third, or fourth, or fifth borough, I’ll answer him by law. I’ll not budge an inch, boy. Let him come,15 and kindly.Falls asleep.Wind horns ⌜within.⌝ Enter a Lord from hunting, with
his train.LORD Huntsman, I charge thee tender well my hounds. ⌜Breathe⌝ Merriman (the poor cur is embossed) And couple Clowder with the deep-mouthed brach. Saw’st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good20 At the hedge corner, in the coldest fault? I would not lose the dog for twenty pound!
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FIRST HUNTSMAN Why, Bellman is as good as he, my lord. He cried upon it at the merest loss, And twice today picked out the dullest scent.25 Trust me, I take him for the better dog.LORD Thou art a fool. If Echo were as fleet, I would esteem him worth a dozen such. But sup them well, and look unto them all. Tomorrow I intend to hunt again.FIRST HUNTSMAN 30I will, my lord.⌜First Huntsman exits.⌝LORD, ⌜noticing Sly⌝ What’s here? One dead, or drunk? See doth he breathe.SECOND HUNTSMAN He breathes, my lord. Were he not warmed with ale, This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.LORD 35 O monstrous beast, how like a swine he lies! Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image! Sirs, I will practice on this drunken man. What think you, if he were conveyed to bed, Wrapped in sweet clothes, rings put upon his40 fingers, A most delicious banquet by his bed, And brave attendants near him when he wakes, Would not the beggar then forget himself?⌜THIRD⌝ HUNTSMAN Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose.SECOND HUNTSMAN 45 It would seem strange unto him when he waked.LORD Even as a flatt’ring dream or worthless fancy. Then take him up, and manage well the jest.
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Carry him gently to my fairest chamber, And hang it round with all my wanton pictures;50 Balm his foul head in warm distillèd waters, And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet; Procure me music ready when he wakes To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound. And if he chance to speak, be ready straight55 And, with a low, submissive reverence, Say “What is it your Honor will command?” Let one attend him with a silver basin Full of rosewater and bestrewed with flowers, Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,60 And say “Will ’t please your Lordship cool your hands?” Someone be ready with a costly suit, And ask him what apparel he will wear. Another tell him of his hounds and horse,65 And that his lady mourns at his disease. Persuade him that he hath been lunatic, And when he says he is, say that he dreams, For he is nothing but a mighty lord. This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs.70 It will be pastime passing excellent If it be husbanded with modesty.⌜THIRD⌝ HUNTSMAN My lord, I warrant you we will play our part As he shall think by our true diligence He is no less than what we say he is.LORD 75 Take him up gently, and to bed with him, And each one to his office when he wakes.⌜Sly is carried out.⌝Sound trumpets ⌜within.⌝ Sirrah, go see what trumpet ’tis that sounds.⌜Servingman exits.⌝
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Belike some noble gentleman that means (Traveling some journey) to repose him here.Enter Servingman.80 How now? Who is it?SERVINGMAN An ’t please your Honor, players That offer service to your Lordship.LORD Bid them come near.Enter Players. Now, fellows, you are welcome.PLAYERS 85We thank your Honor.LORD Do you intend to stay with me tonight?⌜FIRST PLAYER⌝ So please your Lordship to accept our duty.LORD With all my heart. This fellow I remember Since once he played a farmer’s eldest son.—90 ’Twas where you wooed the gentlewoman so well. I have forgot your name, but sure that part Was aptly fitted and naturally performed.⌜SECOND PLAYER⌝ I think ’twas Soto that your Honor means.LORD ’Tis very true. Thou didst it excellent.95 Well, you are come to me in happy time, The rather for I have some sport in hand Wherein your cunning can assist me much. There is a lord will hear you play tonight; But I am doubtful of your modesties,100 Lest, over-eying of his odd behavior (For yet his Honor never heard a play), You break into some merry passion, And so offend him. For I tell you, sirs, If you should smile, he grows impatient.
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⌜FIRST PLAYER⌝ 105 Fear not, my lord, we can contain ourselves Were he the veriest antic in the world.LORD, ⌜to a Servingman⌝ Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery And give them friendly welcome every one. Let them want nothing that my house affords.One exits with the Players.110 Sirrah, go you to Bartholomew, my page, And see him dressed in all suits like a lady. That done, conduct him to the drunkard’s chamber, And call him “Madam,” do him obeisance. Tell him from me, as he will win my love,115 He bear himself with honorable action, Such as he hath observed in noble ladies Unto their lords, by them accomplishèd. Such duty to the drunkard let him do With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,120 And say “What is ’t your Honor will command, Wherein your lady and your humble wife May show her duty and make known her love?” And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses, And with declining head into his bosom,125 Bid him shed tears, as being overjoyed To see her noble lord restored to health, Who, for this seven years, hath esteemed him No better than a poor and loathsome beggar. And if the boy have not a woman’s gift130 To rain a shower of commanded tears, An onion will do well for such a shift, Which (in a napkin being close conveyed) Shall in despite enforce a watery eye. See this dispatched with all the haste thou canst.135 Anon I’ll give thee more instructions.A Servingman exits. I know the boy will well usurp the grace,
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Voice, gait, and action of a gentlewoman. I long to hear him call the drunkard “husband”! And how my men will stay themselves from140 laughter When they do homage to this simple peasant, I’ll in to counsel them. Haply my presence May well abate the over-merry spleen Which otherwise would grow into extremes.⌜They exit.⌝
