Enter Mistress Ford ⌜and⌝ Mistress Page.MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert!MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket—MISTRESS FORD I warrant.—What, ⌜Robert,⌝ I say!⌜Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket.⌝MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come.MISTRESS FORD 5Here, set it down.MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge. We must be brief.MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse,10 and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close15 by the Thames side.MISTRESS PAGE You will do it?MISTRESS FORD I ha’ told them over and over. They lack no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are called.⌜John and Robert exit.⌝MISTRESS PAGE 20Here comes little Robin.Enter Robin.MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket? What news with you?ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
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MISTRESS PAGE 25You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?ROBIN Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears30 he’ll turn me away.MISTRESS PAGE Thou ’rt a good boy. This secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me.MISTRESS FORD Do so.—Go tell thy master I am alone.35 ⌜(Robin exits.)⌝ Mistress Page, remember you your cue.MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss me.⌜She exits.⌝MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome40 humidity, this gross-wat’ry pumpion. We’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.Enter ⌜Sir John⌝ Falstaff.FALSTAFF “Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessèd45 hour!MISTRESS FORD O, sweet Sir John!FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best50 lord: I would make thee my lady.MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.FALSTAFF Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the55 diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows become nothing else, nor that well neither.
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FALSTAFF 60Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.65 Come, thou canst not hide it.MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there’s no such thing in me.FALSTAFF What made me love thee? Let that persuade thee. There’s something extraordinary in thee.70 Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that come like women in men’s apparel and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love thee, none but thee; and thou deserv’st it.MISTRESS FORD 75Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page.FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln.MISTRESS FORD 80Well, heaven knows how I love you, and you shall one day find it.FALSTAFF Keep in that mind. I’ll deserve it.MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else I could not be in that mind.⌜Enter Robin.⌝ROBIN 85Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.FALSTAFF She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind90 the arras.MISTRESS FORD Pray you, do so. She’s a very tattling woman.⌜Falstaff stands behind the arras.⌝
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⌜Enter Mistress Page.⌝ What’s the matter? How now?MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done?95 You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone forever!MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page?MISTRESS PAGE O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an honest man to your husband, to give him such100 cause of suspicion!MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion?MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! How am I mistook in you!MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what’s the matter?MISTRESS PAGE 105Your husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. You are undone.MISTRESS FORD 110’Tis not so, I hope.MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If115 you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life forever.MISTRESS FORD 120What shall I do? There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.MISTRESS PAGE For shame! Never stand “you had125 rather” and “you had rather.” Your husband’s here at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the
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house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and130 throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking. Or—it is whiting time—send him by your two men to Datchet Mead.MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?⌜Falstaff comes forward.⌝FALSTAFF 135Let me see ’t, let me see ’t! O, let me see ’t! I’ll in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in.MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? ⌜(Aside to
him.)⌝ Are these your letters, knight?FALSTAFF, ⌜aside to Mistress Page⌝ I love thee. Help me140 away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never—⌜Falstaff goes into the basket; they cover
him with dirty clothes.⌝MISTRESS PAGE, ⌜to Robin⌝ Help to cover your master, boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford.—You dissembling knight!⌜Robin exits.⌝MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John!⌜Enter Robert and John.⌝145 Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come.Enter Ford, Page, ⌜Doctor⌝ Caius,
⌜and Sir Hugh⌝ Evans.FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me. Then let me be your150 jest; I deserve it.—How now? Whither bear you this?⌜ROBERT and JOHN⌝ To the laundress, forsooth.MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing!
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FORD 155Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck. Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck, and of the season too, it shall appear.⌜Robert and John exit with the buck-basket.⌝ Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my160 chambers. Search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. ⌜(He
locks the door.)⌝ So, now uncape.PAGE Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong yourself too much.FORD 165True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen. You shall see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen.⌜He exits.⌝SIR HUGH This is fery fantastical humors and jealousies.DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France. It is170 not jealous in France.PAGE Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his search.⌜Page, Sir Hugh, and Caius exit.⌝MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this?MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better—175 that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.MISTRESS PAGE What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!MISTRESS FORD I am half afraid he will have need of washing, so throwing him into the water will do180 him a benefit.MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.MISTRESS FORD I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw185 him so gross in his jealousy till now.MISTRESS PAGE I will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.MISTRESS FORD Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress
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190 Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?MISTRESS PAGE We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock to have amends.⌜Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh.⌝FORD 195I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of that he could not compass.MISTRESS PAGE, ⌜aside to Mistress Ford⌝ Heard you that?MISTRESS FORD You use me well, Master Ford, do you?FORD 200Ay, I do so.MISTRESS FORD Heaven make you better than your thoughts!FORD Amen!MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master205 Ford.FORD Ay, ay. I must bear it.SIR HUGH If there be anypody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!DOCTOR CAIUS 210Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies.PAGE Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.FORD 215’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it.SIR HUGH You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.FORD 220Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will hereafter make known to you why I have done
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this.—Come, wife—come, Mistress Page, I pray you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me.⌜Mistress Page and Mistress Ford exit.⌝PAGE, ⌜to Caius and Sir Hugh⌝ 225Let’s go in, gentlemen. But, trust me, we’ll mock him. ⌜(To Ford, Caius,
and Sir Hugh.)⌝ I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast. After, we’ll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be230 so?FORD Anything.SIR HUGH If there is one, I shall make two in the company.DOCTOR CAIUS If there be one or two, I shall make-a the235 turd.FORD Pray you, go, Master Page.⌜Ford and Page exit.⌝SIR HUGH I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave mine Host.DOCTOR CAIUS Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart.SIR HUGH 240A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!They exit.
The Merry Wives of Windsor
