Enter ⌜Sir John⌝ Falstaff ⌜and⌝ Pistol.FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny.PISTOL Why then, the world’s mine oyster, which I with sword will open.FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you5 should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my10 friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took ’t upon mine honor thou hadst it not.PISTOL Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?FALSTAFF 15Reason, you rogue, reason. Think’st thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go—a short knife and a throng—to your manor of Pickt-hatch, go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You20 stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable
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baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of ⌜God⌝ on the left hand and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to25 shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will not do it? You?PISTOL 30I do relent. What would thou more of man?Enter Robin.ROBIN Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.FALSTAFF Let her approach.Enter ⌜Mistress⌝ Quickly.MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your Worship good morrow.FALSTAFF Good morrow, goodwife.MISTRESS QUICKLY 35Not so, an ’t please your Worship.FALSTAFF Good maid, then.MISTRESS QUICKLY I’ll be sworn—as my mother was, the first hour I was born.FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me?MISTRESS QUICKLY 40Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a word or two?FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman, and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir—I45 pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.FALSTAFF Well, on. “Mistress Ford,” you say—MISTRESS QUICKLY Your Worship says very true. I pray your Worship, come a little nearer this ways.FALSTAFF 50I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own people, mine own people.MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? ⌜God⌝ bless them and make them His servants!
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FALSTAFF Well, “Mistress Ford”—what of her?MISTRESS QUICKLY 55Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord, your Worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all of us, I pray!FALSTAFF “Mistress Ford”—come, “Mistress Ford”—MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long60 of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as ’tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I65 warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift, smelling so sweetly—all musk—and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any70 woman’s heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get75 her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all. And yet there has been earls—nay, which is more, pensioners—but, I warrant you, all is one with her.FALSTAFF But what says she to me? Be brief, my good80 she-Mercury.MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which she thanks you a thousand times, and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.FALSTAFF 85Ten and eleven?MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He’s a very
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90 jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her. I will not fail her.MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another95 messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and, let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor,100 whoe’er be the other. And she bade me tell your Worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth.FALSTAFF 105Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for ’t!FALSTAFF But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they110 love me?MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a115 marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list—all is as she120 will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page, no remedy.FALSTAFF Why, I will.MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so then, and, look you,125 he may come and go between you both. And in any
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case have a nayword, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand anything; for ’tis not good that children should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know,130 have discretion, as they say, and know the world.FALSTAFF Fare thee well. Commend me to them both. There’s my purse. ⌜(He gives her money.)⌝ I am yet thy debtor.—Boy, go along with this woman. ⌜(Mistress
Quickly and Robin exit.)⌝ This news distracts135 me.PISTOL, ⌜aside⌝ This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers. Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights; Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!⌜He exits.⌝FALSTAFF Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I’ll140 make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.⌜Enter Bardolph with wine.⌝BARDOLPH 145Sir John, there’s one Master ⌜Brook⌝ below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath sent your Worship a morning’s draught of sack.⌜(He hands Falstaff the wine.)⌝FALSTAFF ⌜Brook⌝ is his name?BARDOLPH 150Ay, sir.FALSTAFF Call him in. Such ⌜Brooks⌝ are welcome to me that o’erflows such liquor.⌜(Bardolph exits.)⌝ Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to. Via!Enter ⌜Bardolph with⌝ Ford ⌜disguised as Brook.⌝FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ 155⌜God⌝ bless you, sir.FALSTAFF And you, sir. Would you speak with me?
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FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.FALSTAFF You’re welcome. What’s your will?—Give us160 leave, drawer.⌜Bardolph exits.⌝FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much. My name is ⌜Brook.⌝FALSTAFF Good Master ⌜Brook,⌝ I desire more acquaintance of you.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ 165Good Sir John, I sue for yours—not to charge you, for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money170 go before, all ways do lie open.FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me. ⌜He sets it down.⌝ If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me175 of the carriage.FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.FALSTAFF 180Speak, good Master ⌜Brook.⌝ I shall be glad to be your servant.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Sir, I hear you are a scholar—I will be brief with you—and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means185 as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register190 of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.
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FALSTAFF Very well, sir. Proceed.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ There is a gentlewoman in this195 town—her husband’s name is Ford.FALSTAFF Well, sir.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ I have long loved her and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to200 meet her, fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given. Briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which205 hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless experience be a jewel. That I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say210 this: “Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues, Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.”FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction215 at her hands?FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Never.FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a purpose?FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Never.FALSTAFF 220Of what quality was your love, then?FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to225 me?FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction
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230 made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and235 learned preparations.FALSTAFF O, sir!FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ Believe it, for you know it. There is money. ⌜(He points to the bag.)⌝ Spend it, spend it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so240 much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you. If any man may, you may as soon as any.FALSTAFF Would it apply well to the vehemency of245 your affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honor that the250 folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves. I could drive her then from the ward of her purity,255 her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand other her defenses, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to ’t, Sir John?FALSTAFF, ⌜taking the bag⌝ Master ⌜Brook,⌝ I will first260 make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ O, good sir!FALSTAFF I say you shall.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ 265Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
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FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master ⌜Brook;⌝ you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment. Even as you came in to270 me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband will be forth. Come you to me at night. You shall know how I speed.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ 275I am blessed in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of280 money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my harvest home.FORD, ⌜as Brook⌝ I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.FALSTAFF 285Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master ⌜Brook,⌝ thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt290 lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master ⌜Brook,⌝ shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.⌜Falstaff exits.⌝FORD What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My295 heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my300 coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but stand under the adoption of abominable terms,
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and by him that does me this wrong. Terms, names! “Amaimon” sounds well, “Lucifer” well,305 “Barbason” well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But “Cuckold,” “Wittoll,” “Cuckold”! The devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with310 my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their315 hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. ⌜God⌝ be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon320 than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!He exits.