Enter Mistress Page ⌜reading a letter.⌝MISTRESS PAGE What, have ⌜I⌝ ’scaped love letters in the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.⌜She reads.⌝ Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love
5 use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for
his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go
to, then, there’s sympathy. You are merry; so am I.
Ha, ha, then, there’s more sympathy. You love sack,
and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let
10 it suffice thee, Mistress Page—at the least, if the love
of soldier can suffice—that I love thee. I will not say
pity me—’tis not a soldier-like phrase—but I say love
me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
15 By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might
For thee to fight,
John Falstaff.20 What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant! What an unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard
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picked—with the devil’s name!—out of my conversation,25 that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the Parliament for the putting down of men.30 How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.Enter Mistress Ford.MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to your house.MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you.35 You look very ill.MISTRESS FORD Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that. I have to show to the contrary.MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind.MISTRESS FORD Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show40 you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel.MISTRESS PAGE What’s the matter, woman?MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honor!MISTRESS PAGE 45Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor. What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it?MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.MISTRESS PAGE What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These50 knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive how I might be knighted. ⌜(She gives a paper
to Mistress Page, who reads it.)⌝ I shall think the55 worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking. And yet he would not swear; ⌜praised⌝ women’s modesty; and gave such
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orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition60 would have gone to the truth of his words. But they do no more adhere and keep place together than the ⌜Hundredth Psalm⌝ to the tune of “
Greensleeves.”
What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore65 at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of70 Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin brother of thy letter. ⌜(She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who
reads it.)⌝ But let thine inherit first, for I protest mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of75 these letters writ with blank space for different names—sure, more—and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie80 under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same—the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost85 ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.MISTRESS FORD 90“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.MISTRESS PAGE So will I. If he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him. Let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of
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95 comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine Host of the Garter.MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our100 honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my good man too. He’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an105 unmeasurable distance.MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman.MISTRESS PAGE Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.⌜They talk aside.⌝Enter Ford ⌜with⌝ Pistol, and Page ⌜with⌝ Nym.FORD Well, I hope it be not so.PISTOL 110 Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs. Sir John affects thy wife.FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young.PISTOL He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, Both young and old, one with another, Ford.115 He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.FORD Love my wife?PISTOL With liver burning hot. Prevent, Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he, With Ringwood at thy heels.120 O, odious is the name!FORD What name, sir?PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell. Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night.125 Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do sing.—
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Away, Sir Corporal Nym.—Believe it, Page. He speaks sense.⌜He exits.⌝FORD, ⌜aside⌝ I will be patient. I will find out this.NYM, ⌜to Page⌝ 130And this is true. I like not the humor of lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I should have borne the humored letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long.135 My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch. ’Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and cheese. Adieu.⌜He exits.⌝PAGE, ⌜aside⌝ “The humor of it,” quoth he? Here’s a fellow140 frights English out of his wits.FORD, ⌜aside⌝ I will seek out Falstaff.PAGE, ⌜aside⌝ I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.FORD, ⌜aside⌝ If I do find it—well.PAGE, ⌜aside⌝ 145I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ th’ town commended him for a true man.FORD, ⌜aside⌝ ’Twas a good sensible fellow—well.⌜Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward.⌝PAGE, ⌜to Mistress Page⌝ How now, Meg?MISTRESS PAGE 150Whither go you, George? Hark you.⌜They talk aside.⌝MISTRESS FORD, ⌜to Ford⌝ How now, sweet Frank? Why art thou melancholy?FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you home. Go.MISTRESS FORD 155Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy head now.—Will you go, Mistress Page?MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.—You’ll come to dinner, George? ⌜(Aside to Mistress Ford.)⌝ Look who comes yonder.
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Enter ⌜Mistress⌝ Quickly.160 She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her. She’ll fit it.MISTRESS PAGE, ⌜to Mistress Quickly⌝ You are come to see my daughter Anne?MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does165 good Mistress Anne?MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an hour’s talk with you.⌜Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and
Mistress Quickly exit.⌝PAGE How now, Master Ford?FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not?PAGE 170Yes, and you heard what the other told me?FORD Do you think there is truth in them?PAGE Hang ’em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded175 men, very rogues, now they be out of service.FORD Were they his men?PAGE Marry, were they.FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?PAGE 180Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.FORD I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath185 to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot be thus satisfied.Enter Host.PAGE Look where my ranting Host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money190 in his purse when he looks so merrily.—How now, mine Host?
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HOST How now, bullyrook? Thou ’rt a gentleman.— Cavaleiro Justice, I say!Enter Shallow.SHALLOW I follow, mine Host, I follow.—Good even195 and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.HOST Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook.SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French200 doctor.FORD Good mine Host o’ th’ Garter, a word with you.HOST What say’st thou, my bullyrook?⌜The Host and Ford talk aside.⌝SHALLOW, ⌜to Page⌝ Will you go with us to behold it? My merry Host hath had the measuring of their205 weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.⌜Shallow and Page talk aside.⌝HOST, ⌜to Ford⌝ Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest cavalier?⌜FORD⌝ 210None, I protest. But I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is ⌜Brook⌝—only for a jest.HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and regress—said I well?—and thy name shall be215 ⌜Brook.⌝ It is a merry knight. ⌜(To Shallow and
Page.)⌝ Will you go, ⌜ameers?⌝SHALLOW Have with you, mine Host.PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.SHALLOW 220Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance—your passes, stoccados, and I know not what. ’Tis the heart, Master Page; ’tis here, ’tis here. I have seen the time, with my long sword I would have made you four tall225 fellows skip like rats.
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HOST Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.⌜Page, Host, and Shallow exit.⌝FORD Though Page be a secure fool and stands so230 firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into ’t, and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my235 labor. If she be otherwise, ’tis labor well bestowed.⌜He⌝ exits.
The Merry Wives of Windsor
