Enter ⌜Sir John⌝ Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol,
⌜and Robin, Falstaff’s⌝ Page.FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter!HOST What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and wisely.FALSTAFF Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of5 my followers.HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag; trot, trot.FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week.HOST Thou ’rt an emperor—Caesar, Keiser, and10 Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector?FALSTAFF Do so, good mine Host.HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.—Let me see thee froth and ⌜lime.⌝ I am at a word. Follow.⌜Host exits.⌝FALSTAFF 15Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu.BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive.PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot20 wield?⌜Bardolph exits.⌝NYM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor conceited?FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. His thefts were too open. His filching was like an25 unskillful singer; he kept not time.NYM The good humor is to steal at a minute’s rest.PISTOL “Convey,” the wise it call. “Steal”? Foh, a fico for the phrase!FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.PISTOL 30Why, then, let kibes ensue.FALSTAFF There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I must shift.
29
The Merry Wives of Windsor
ACT 1. SC. 3
PISTOL Young ravens must have food.FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town?PISTOL 35I ken the wight. He is of substance good.FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.PISTOL Two yards and more.FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the40 waist two yards about, but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife. I spy entertainment in her. She discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation. I can construe the action of her familiar style;45 and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”PISTOL, ⌜aside to Nym⌝ He hath studied her will and translated her will—out of honesty into English.NYM, ⌜aside to Pistol⌝ The anchor is deep. Will that50 humor pass?FALSTAFF Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of her husband’s purse. He hath a ⌜legion⌝ of angels.PISTOL, ⌜aside to Nym⌝ As many devils entertain, and “To her, boy,” say I.NYM, ⌜aside to Pistol⌝ 55The humor rises; it is good. Humor me the angels.FALSTAFF, ⌜showing two papers⌝ I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my60 parts with most judicious ⌜oeillades.⌝ Sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.PISTOL, ⌜aside to Nym⌝ Then did the sun on dunghill shine.NYM, ⌜aside to Pistol⌝ 65I thank thee for that humor.FALSTAFF O, she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass.
31
The Merry Wives of Windsor
ACT 1. SC. 3
Here’s another letter to her. She bears the purse70 too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou this letter to Mistress Page—and thou this to Mistress75 Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.PISTOL Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all!NYM, ⌜to Falstaff⌝ I will run no base humor. Here, take the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of80 reputation.FALSTAFF, ⌜giving papers to Robin⌝ Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.— Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go, Trudge, plod away i’ th’ hoof, seek shelter, pack!85 Falstaff will learn the ⌜humor⌝ of the age: French thrift, you rogues—myself and skirted page.⌜Falstaff and Robin exit.⌝PISTOL Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam holds, And high and low beguiles the rich and poor.90 Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, Base Phrygian Turk!NYM I have operations which be humors of revenge.PISTOL Wilt thou revenge?NYM By welkin and her star!PISTOL 95With wit or steel?NYM With both the humors, I. I will discuss the humor of this love to Ford.PISTOL And I to Page shall eke unfold How Falstaff, varlet vile,
33
The Merry Wives of Windsor
ACT 1. SC. 4
100 His dove will prove, his gold will hold, And his soft couch defile.NYM My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is105 my true humor.PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second thee. Troop on.They exit.