Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, ⌜and⌝ Sir Hugh Evans.SHALLOW Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, Esquire.SLENDER 5In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace and Coram.SHALLOW Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum.SLENDER Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes himself “Armigero”10 in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation— “Armigero!”SHALLOW Ay, that I do, and have done any time these three hundred years.SLENDER All his successors gone before him hath15 done ’t, and all his ancestors that come after him may. They may give the dozen white luces in their coat.SHALLOW It is an old coat.SIR HUGH The dozen white louses do become an old20 coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar beast to man and signifies love.SHALLOW The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an old coat.SLENDER I may quarter, coz.
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SHALLOW 25You may, by marrying.SIR HUGH It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.SHALLOW Not a whit.SIR HUGH Yes, py ’r Lady. If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my30 simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compromises between you.SHALLOW 35The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.SIR HUGH It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot. Take your visaments in that.SHALLOW 40Ha! O’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.SIR HUGH It is petter that friends is the sword, and end it. And there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with45 it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity.SLENDER Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair and speaks small like a woman?SIR HUGH It is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just50 as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!) give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our55 pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.SLENDER Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?SIR HUGH Ay, and her father is make her a petter60 penny.
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SLENDER I know the young gentlewoman. She has good gifts.SIR HUGH Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is goot gifts.SHALLOW 65Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?SIR HUGH Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech70 you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. ⌜He knocks.⌝ What ho? Got pless your house here.PAGE, ⌜within⌝ Who’s there?SIR HUGH Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and75 Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.Enter Master Page.PAGE I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.SHALLOW 80Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la, with my heart.PAGE 85Sir, I thank you.SHALLOW Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.PAGE I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.SLENDER How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.PAGE 90It could not be judged, sir.SLENDER You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.SHALLOW That he will not. ’Tis your fault, ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog.PAGE A cur, sir.
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SHALLOW 95Sir, he’s a good dog and a fair dog. Can there be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?PAGE Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good office between you.SIR HUGH 100It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page.PAGE Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.SHALLOW If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed105 he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged.Enter ⌜Sir John⌝ Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, ⌜and⌝ Pistol.PAGE Here comes Sir John.FALSTAFF Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King?SHALLOW 110Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.FALSTAFF But not kissed your keeper’s daughter.SHALLOW Tut, a pin. This shall be answered.FALSTAFF I will answer it straight: I have done all this.115 That is now answered.SHALLOW The Council shall know this.FALSTAFF ’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel. You’ll be laughed at.SIR HUGH Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts.FALSTAFF 120Good worts? Good cabbage!—Slender, I broke your head. What matter have you against me?SLENDER Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph,125 Nym, and Pistol.BARDOLPH You Banbury cheese!SLENDER Ay, it is no matter.PISTOL How now, Mephostophilus?
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SLENDER Ay, it is no matter.NYM 130Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that’s my humor.SLENDER, ⌜(to Shallow)⌝ Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?SIR HUGH Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand; there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand:135 that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page); and there is myself (fidelicet myself); and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter.PAGE We three to hear it and end it between them.SIR HUGH Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my140 notebook, and we will afterwards ’ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.FALSTAFF Pistol.PISTOL He hears with ears.SIR HUGH The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this,145 “He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else—of seven groats in mill-sixpences,150 and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by these gloves.FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol?SIR HUGH No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse.PISTOL 155Ha, thou mountain foreigner!—Sir John and master mine, I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.—Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.SLENDER, ⌜indicating Nym⌝ By these gloves, then ’twas160 he.NYM Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say “marry trap with you” if you run the nuthook’s humor on me. That is the very note of it.
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SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face had it.165 For, though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John?BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman170 had drunk himself out of his five sentences.SIR HUGH It is “his five senses.” Fie, what the ignorance is!BARDOLPH, ⌜to Falstaff⌝ And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the175 careers.SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But ’tis no matter. I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of180 God, and not with drunken knaves.SIR HUGH So Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen. You hear it.Enter Anne Page ⌜with wine.⌝PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We’ll drink185 within.⌜Anne Page exits.⌝SLENDER O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page.Enter Mistress Ford ⌜and⌝ Mistress Page.PAGE How now, Mistress Ford?FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met. By your leave, good mistress.⌜He kisses her.⌝PAGE 190Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.—Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.⌜All but Slender, Shallow, and Sir Hugh exit.⌝SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my book of Songs and Sonnets here!
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Enter Simple.195 How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of
Riddles about you, have you?SIMPLE Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight200 afore Michaelmas?SHALLOW, ⌜to Slender⌝ Come, coz; come, coz. We stay for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me?SLENDER 205Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be so, I shall do that that is reason.SHALLOW Nay, but understand me.SLENDER So I do, sir.SIR HUGH Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I210 will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I pray you, pardon me. He’s a Justice of Peace in his country, simple though I stand here.SIR HUGH 215But that is not the question. The question is concerning your marriage.SHALLOW Ay, there’s the point, sir.SIR HUGH Marry, is it, the very point of it—to Mistress Anne Page.SLENDER 220Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.SIR HUGH But can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth, or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of225 the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?SHALLOW Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
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SLENDER I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.SIR HUGH 230Nay, Got’s lords and His ladies! You must speak positable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.SHALLOW That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?SLENDER 235I will do a greater thing than that, upon your request, cousin, in any reason.SHALLOW Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz. What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?SLENDER 240I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow245 more content. But if you say “Marry her,” I will marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.SIR HUGH It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is in the ’ord “dissolutely.” The ’ort is, according to250 our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well.SLENDER Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!⌜Enter Anne Page.⌝SHALLOW Here comes fair Mistress Anne.—Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne.ANNE 255The dinner is on the table. My father desires your Worships’ company.SHALLOW I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne.SIR HUGH ’Od’s plessèd will, I will not be absence at the grace.⌜Sir Hugh and Shallow exit.⌝ANNE, ⌜to Slender⌝ 260Will ’t please your Worship to come in, sir?
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SLENDER No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very well.ANNE The dinner attends you, sir.SLENDER 265I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. ⌜(To
Simple.)⌝ Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow. ⌜(Simple exits.)⌝ A Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy270 yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.ANNE I may not go in without your Worship. They will not sit till you come.SLENDER I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing. I thank you as much275 as though I did.ANNE I pray you, sir, walk in.SLENDER I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence—three veneys for a280 dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ th’ town?ANNE I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of.SLENDER I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel285 at it as any man in England. You are afraid if you see the bear loose, are you not?ANNE Ay, indeed, sir.SLENDER That’s meat and drink to me, now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken290 him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favored rough things.⌜Enter Page.⌝PAGE Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for295 you.
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SLENDER I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.PAGE By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come, come.SLENDER Nay, pray you, lead the way.PAGE 300Come on, sir.SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.ANNE Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on.SLENDER Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.ANNE 305I pray you, sir.SLENDER I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong, indeed, la!They exit.
The Merry Wives of Windsor: 
