Enter Dogberry and his compartner ⌜Verges⌝
with the Watch.DOGBERRY Are you good men and true?VERGES Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.DOGBERRY Nay, that were a punishment too good for5 them if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.VERGES Well, give them their charge, neighbor Dogberry.DOGBERRY First, who think you the most desartless10 man to be constable?FIRST WATCHMAN Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal, for they can write and read.DOGBERRY Come hither, neighbor Seacoal. ⌜Seacoal
steps forward.⌝ God hath blessed you with a good
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15 name. To be a well-favored man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.⌜SEACOAL⌝ Both which, master constable—DOGBERRY You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and20 make no boast of it, and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge:25 you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.⌜SEACOAL⌝ How if he will not stand?DOGBERRY Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go, and presently call the rest of the watch together30 and thank God you are rid of a knave.VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no35 noise in the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.⌜SECOND⌝ WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk. We know what belongs to a watch.DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most40 quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend; only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.⌜SEACOAL⌝ How if they will not?DOGBERRY 45Why then, let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.⌜SEACOAL⌝ Well, sir.DOGBERRY If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by50 virtue of your office, to be no true man, and for such
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kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.⌜SEACOAL⌝ If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?DOGBERRY 55Truly, by your office you may, but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.VERGES 60You have been always called a merciful man, partner.DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.VERGES, ⌜to the Watch⌝ If you hear a child cry in the65 night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.⌜SECOND⌝ WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?DOGBERRY Why, then depart in peace, and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will70 not hear her lamb when it baas will never answer a calf when he bleats.VERGES ’Tis very true.DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you75 meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.VERGES Nay, by ’r Lady, that I think he cannot.DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on ’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him—marry, not without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch80 ought to offend no man, and it is an offense to stay a man against his will.VERGES By ’r Lady, I think it be so.DOGBERRY Ha, ah ha!—Well, masters, goodnight. An there be any matter of weight chances, call up me.85 Keep your fellows’ counsels and your own, and goodnight.—Come, neighbor.⌜Dogberry and Verges begin to exit.⌝
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⌜SEACOAL⌝ Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.DOGBERRY 90One word more, honest neighbors. I pray you watch about Signior Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu, be vigitant, I beseech you.⌜Dogberry and Verges⌝ exit.Enter Borachio and Conrade.BORACHIO What, Conrade!⌜SEACOAL, aside⌝ 95Peace, stir not.BORACHIO Conrade, I say!CONRADE Here, man, I am at thy elbow.BORACHIO Mass, and my elbow itched, I thought there would a scab follow.CONRADE 100I will owe thee an answer for that. And now forward with thy tale.BORACHIO Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.⌜SEACOAL, aside⌝ 105Some treason, masters. Yet stand close.BORACHIO Therefore know, I have earned of ⌜Don⌝ John a thousand ducats.CONRADE Is it possible that any villainy should be so110 dear?BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.CONRADE 115I wonder at it.BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.
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CONRADE Yes, it is apparel.BORACHIO 120I mean the fashion.CONRADE Yes, the fashion is the fashion.BORACHIO Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?⌜FIRST⌝ WATCHMAN, ⌜aside⌝ 125I know that Deformed. He has been a vile thief this seven year. He goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?CONRADE No, ’twas the vane on the house.BORACHIO 130Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometimes like god Bel’s135 priests in the old church window, sometimes like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?CONRADE All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears140 out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?BORACHIO Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight145 wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero. She leans me out at her mistress’ chamber window, bids me a thousand times goodnight. I tell this tale vilely. I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master,150 planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable amiable encounter.CONRADE And thought they Margaret was Hero?BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio,
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155 but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio160 enraged, swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight and send her home again without a husband.FIRST WATCHMAN 165We charge you in the Prince’s name stand!⌜SEACOAL⌝ Call up the right Master Constable. ⌜Second
Watchman exits.⌝ We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in170 the commonwealth.FIRST WATCHMAN And one Deformed is one of them. I know him; he wears a lock.⌜Enter Dogberry, Verges, and Second Watchman.⌝⌜DOGBERRY⌝ Masters, masters—⌜FIRST⌝ WATCHMAN, ⌜to Borachio⌝ You’ll be made bring175 Deformed forth, I warrant you.⌜DOGBERRY, to Borachio and Conrade⌝ Masters, never speak, we charge you, let us obey you to go with us.BORACHIO, ⌜to Conrade⌝ We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.CONRADE 180A commodity in question, I warrant you.— Come, we’ll obey you.They exit.
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