Enter ⌜Francis and another⌝ Drawer.FRANCIS What the devil hast thou brought there— applejohns? Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an applejohn.⟨SECOND⟩ DRAWER Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince5 once set a dish of applejohns before him and told him there were five more Sir Johns and, putting off his hat, said “I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.” It angered him to the heart. But he hath forgot that.FRANCIS 10Why then, cover and set them down, and see if thou canst find out Sneak’s noise. Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear some music. [Dispatch. The room where they supped is too hot. They’ll come in straight.Enter Will.]⌜WILL⌝ 15Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon, and they will put on two of our jerkins
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and aprons, and Sir John must not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.⌜SECOND⌝ DRAWER By the Mass, here will be old utis. It20 will be an excellent stratagem.FRANCIS I’ll see if I can find out Sneak.He exits ⌜with the Second Drawer.⌝Enter ⟨Hostess⟩ and Doll Tearsheet.HOSTESS I’ faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an excellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as heart would desire, and your25 color, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in good truth, la. But, i’ faith, you have drunk too much canaries, and that’s a marvellous searching wine, and it perfumes the blood ere one can say “What’s this?” How do you now?DOLL 30Better than I was. Hem.HOSTESS Why, that’s well said. A good heart’s worth gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.Enter Sir John ⟨Falstaff.⟩FALSTAFF, ⌜singing⌝ When Arthur first in court— ⌜To Will.⌝ Empty the jordan.⌜Will exits.⌝35 And was a worthy king— How now, Mistress Doll?HOSTESS Sick of a calm, yea, good faith.FALSTAFF So is all her sect. An they be once in a calm, they are sick.DOLL 40A pox damn you, you muddy rascal. Is that all the comfort you give me?FALSTAFF You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.DOLL I make them? Gluttony and diseases make ⟨them⟩; I make them not.
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FALSTAFF 45If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to make the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you. Grant that, my poor virtue, grant that.DOLL Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.FALSTAFF 50Your brooches, pearls, and ouches—for to serve bravely is to come halting off, you know; to come off the breach with his pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely, to venture upon the charged chambers bravely—[DOLL 55Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!]HOSTESS By my troth, this is the old fashion. You two never meet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i’ good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts. You cannot one bear with another’s confirmities.60 What the good-year! One must bear, and ⌜to Doll⌝ that must be you. You are the weaker vessel, as they say, the emptier vessel.DOLL Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogshead? There’s a whole merchant’s venture of65 Bordeaux stuff in him. You have not seen a hulk better stuffed in the hold.—Come, I’ll be friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars, and whether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.Enter Drawer.DRAWER 70Sir, Ancient Pistol’s below and would speak with you.DOLL Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither. It is the foul-mouthed’st rogue in England.HOSTESS If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by75 my faith, I must live among my neighbors. I’ll no swaggerers. I am in good name and fame with the
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very best. Shut the door. There comes no swaggerers here. I have not lived all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you.FALSTAFF 80Dost thou hear, hostess?HOSTESS Pray you pacify yourself, Sir John. There comes no swaggerers here.FALSTAFF Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.HOSTESS Tilly-vally, Sir John, ne’er tell me. And your85 ancient swaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick the debuty t’ other day, and, as he said to me—’twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, i’ good faith—“Neighbor Quickly,” says he—Master Dumb, our minister, was by then—90 “Neighbor Quickly,” says he, “receive those that are civil, for,” said he, “you are in an ill name.” Now he said so, I can tell whereupon. “For,” says he, “you are an honest woman, and well thought on. Therefore take heed what guests you receive.95 Receive,” says he, “no swaggering companions.” There comes none here. You would bless you to hear what he said. No, I’ll no swaggerers.FALSTAFF He’s no swaggerer, hostess, a tame cheater, i’ faith. You may stroke him as gently as a puppy100 greyhound. He’ll not swagger with a Barbary hen if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance.— Call him up, drawer.⌜Drawer exits.⌝HOSTESS “Cheater” call you him? I will bar no honest man my house, nor no cheater, but I do not love105 swaggering. By my troth, I am the worse when one says “swagger.” Feel, masters, how I shake; look you, I warrant you.DOLL So you do, hostess.HOSTESS Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an ’twere an110 aspen leaf. I cannot abide swaggerers.
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Enter Ancient Pistol, ⟨Bardolph, and⟩ ⌜Page.⌝PISTOL God save you, Sir John.FALSTAFF Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you with a cup of sack. Do you discharge upon mine hostess.PISTOL 115I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.FALSTAFF She is pistol-proof. Sir, you shall not hardly offend her.HOSTESS Come, I’ll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I’ll120 drink no more than will do me good, for no man’s pleasure, I.PISTOL Then, to you, Mistress Dorothy! I will charge you.DOLL Charge me? I scorn you, scurvy companion.125 What, you poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master.PISTOL I know you, Mistress Dorothy.DOLL Away, you cutpurse rascal, you filthy bung, away!130 By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you. Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!PISTOL 135God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for this.[FALSTAFF No more, Pistol. I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.]HOSTESS No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet140 captain!DOLL Captain? Thou abominable damned cheater, art thou not ashamed to be called captain? An captains
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were of my mind, they would truncheon you out for taking their names upon you before you have145 earned them. You a captain? You slave, for what? For tearing a poor whore’s ruff in a bawdy house? He a captain! Hang him, rogue. He lives upon mouldy stewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain? God’s light, these villains will make the word as150 odious [as the word “occupy,” which was an excellent good word before it was ill sorted.] Therefore captains had need look to ’t.BARDOLPH, ⌜to Pistol⌝ Pray thee go down, good ancient.FALSTAFF Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.PISTOL, ⌜to Bardolph⌝ 155Not I. I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could tear her. I’ll be revenged of her.PAGE Pray thee go down.PISTOL I’ll see her damned first to Pluto’s damnèd lake, by this hand, to th’ infernal deep with Erebus160 and tortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! Down, ⟨Fates!⟩ Have we not Hiren here?⌜He draws his sword.⌝HOSTESS Good Captain Peesell, be quiet. ’Tis very late, i’ faith. I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.PISTOL 165These be good humors indeed. Shall pack-horses and hollow pampered jades of Asia, which cannot go but thirty mile a day, compare with Caesars and with cannibals and Troyant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus, and let170 the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys?HOSTESS By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.BARDOLPH Begone, good ancient. This will grow to a brawl anon.PISTOL 175⟨Die⟩ men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not Hiren here?
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HOSTESS O’ my word, captain, there’s none such here. What the good-year, do you think I would deny her? For God’s sake, be quiet.PISTOL 180Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give ’s some sack. Si fortune me tormente, sperato
me contento. Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack, and, sweetheart, lie thou there. ⌜Laying down his sword.⌝ Come we to185 full points here? And are etceteras nothings?FALSTAFF Pistol, I would be quiet.PISTOL Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What, we have seen the seven stars.DOLL For God’s sake, thrust him downstairs. I cannot190 endure such a fustian rascal.PISTOL “Thrust him downstairs”? Know we not Galloway nags?FALSTAFF Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat shilling. Nay, an he do nothing but speak195 nothing, he shall be nothing here.BARDOLPH Come, get you downstairs.PISTOL, ⌜taking up his sword⌝ What, shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days. Why then, let200 grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds untwind the Sisters Three. Come, Atropos, I say.HOSTESS Here’s goodly stuff toward!FALSTAFF Give me my rapier, boy.DOLL I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee do not draw.FALSTAFF, ⌜to Pistol⌝ 205Get you downstairs.⌜They fight.⌝HOSTESS Here’s a goodly tumult. I’ll forswear keeping house afore I’ll be in these tirrits and frights. So, murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas, put up your naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.⌜Bardolph and Pistol exit.⌝DOLL 210I pray thee, Jack, be quiet. The rascal’s gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you.
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HOSTESS, ⌜to Falstaff⌝ Are you not hurt i’ th’ groin? Methought he made a shrewd thrust at your belly.⌜Enter Bardolph.⌝FALSTAFF Have you turned him out o’ doors?BARDOLPH 215Yea, sir. The rascal’s drunk. You have hurt him, sir, i’ th’ shoulder.FALSTAFF A rascal to brave me!DOLL Ah, you sweet little rogue, you. Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat’st! Come, let me wipe thy face.220 Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue, i’ faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain!FALSTAFF Ah, rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a225 blanket.DOLL Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.Enter ⌜Musicians and Francis.⌝PAGE The music is come, sir.FALSTAFF Let them play.—Play, sirs.—Sit on my knee,230 Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.DOLL I’ faith, and thou followed’st him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights235 and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?Enter ⌜behind them⌝ Prince and Poins ⟨disguised.⟩FALSTAFF Peace, good Doll. Do not speak like a death’s-head; do not bid me remember mine end.DOLL Sirrah, what humor’s the Prince of?FALSTAFF 240A good shallow young fellow, he would have
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made a good pantler; he would ’a chipped bread well.DOLL They say Poins has a good wit.FALSTAFF He a good wit? Hang him, baboon. His wit’s245 as thick as Tewkesbury mustard. There’s no more conceit in him than is in a mallet.DOLL Why does the Prince love him so then?FALSTAFF Because their legs are both of a bigness, and he plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,250 and drinks off candles’ ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys, and jumps upon joint stools, and swears with a good grace, and wears his boots very smooth like unto the sign of the Leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreet255 stories, and such other gambol faculties he has that show a weak mind and an able body, for the which the Prince admits him; for the Prince himself is such another. The weight of a hair will turn ⟨the⟩ scales between their avoirdupois.PRINCE, ⌜aside to Poins⌝ 260Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?POINS Let’s beat him before his whore.PRINCE Look whe’er the withered elder hath not his poll clawed like a parrot.POINS 265Is it not strange that desire should so many years outlive performance?FALSTAFF Kiss me, Doll.PRINCE, ⌜aside to Poins⌝ Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says th’ almanac to that?POINS 270And look whether the fiery trigon, his man, be not lisping to his ⟨master’s⟩ old tables, his notebook, his counsel keeper.FALSTAFF, ⌜to Doll⌝ Thou dost give me flattering busses.DOLL By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant275 heart.FALSTAFF I am old, I am old.
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DOLL I love thee better than I love e’er a scurvy young boy of them all.FALSTAFF What stuff wilt ⟨thou⟩ have a kirtle of? I shall280 receive money o’ Thursday; ⟨thou⟩ shalt have a cap tomorrow. A merry song! Come, it grows late. We’ll to bed. Thou ’lt forget me when I am gone.DOLL By my troth, thou ’lt set me a-weeping an thou sayst so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till285 thy return. Well, harken a’ th’ end.FALSTAFF Some sack, Francis.PRINCE, POINS, ⌜coming forward⌝ Anon, anon, sir.FALSTAFF Ha? A bastard son of the King’s?—And art not thou Poins his brother?PRINCE 290Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost thou lead?FALSTAFF A better than thou. I am a gentleman. Thou art a drawer.PRINCE Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by295 the ears.HOSTESS O, the Lord preserve thy ⟨good⟩ Grace! By my troth, welcome to London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales?FALSTAFF, ⌜to Prince⌝ 300Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.DOLL How? You fat fool, I scorn you.POINS My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge305 and turn all to a merriment if you take not the heat.PRINCE, ⌜to Falstaff⌝ You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak of me ⟨even⟩ now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman!HOSTESS God’s blessing of your good heart, and so she310 is, by my troth.FALSTAFF, ⌜to Prince⌝ Didst thou hear me?
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PRINCE Yea, and you knew me as you did when you ran away by Gad’s Hill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on purpose to try my patience.FALSTAFF 315No, no, no, not so. I did not think thou wast within hearing.PRINCE I shall drive you, then, to confess the wilfull abuse, and then I know how to handle you.FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal, o’ mine honor, no abuse.PRINCE 320Not to dispraise me and call me pantler and bread-chipper and I know not what?FALSTAFF No abuse, Hal.POINS No abuse?FALSTAFF No abuse, Ned, i’ th’ world, honest Ned,325 none. I dispraised him before the wicked, (⌜to
Prince⌝) that the wicked might not fall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it. No abuse, Hal.—None, Ned,330 none. No, faith, boys, none.PRINCE See now whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth not make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us. Is she of the wicked, is thine hostess here of the wicked, or is thy boy of the335 wicked, or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in his nose, of the wicked?POINS Answer, thou dead elm, answer.FALSTAFF The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable, and his face is Lucifer’s privy kitchen,340 where he doth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy, there is a good angel about him, but the devil blinds him too.PRINCE For the women?FALSTAFF For one of them, she’s in hell already and345 burns poor souls. For th’ other, I owe her money, and whether she be damned for that I know not.
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HOSTESS No, I warrant you.FALSTAFF No, I think thou art not. I think thou art quit for that. Marry, there is another indictment upon350 thee for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house contrary to the law, for the which I think thou wilt howl.HOSTESS All vitlars do so. What’s a joint of mutton or two in a whole Lent?PRINCE, ⌜to Doll⌝ 355You, gentlewoman.DOLL What says your Grace?FALSTAFF His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.Peto knocks at door.HOSTESS Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th’ door360 there, Francis.⌜Francis exits.⌝⟨Enter Peto.⟩PRINCE Peto, how now, what news?PETO The King your father is at Westminster, And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north, and as I came along365 I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bareheaded, sweating, knocking at the taverns And asking everyone for Sir John Falstaff.PRINCE By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame So idly to profane the precious time370 When tempest of commotion, like the south Borne with black vapor, doth begin to melt And drop upon our bare unarmèd heads.— Give me my sword and cloak.—Falstaff, good night.Prince, ⌜Peto,⌝ and Poins exit.FALSTAFF 375Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence and leave it unpicked.
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(⌜Knocking. Bardolph exits.⌝) More knocking at the door? (⌜Bardolph returns.⌝) How now, what’s the matter?BARDOLPH 380 You must away to court, sir, presently. A dozen captains stay at door for you.FALSTAFF, ⌜to Page⌝ Pay the musicians, sirrah.— Farewell, hostess.—Farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after.385 The undeserver may sleep when the man of action is called on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go.DOLL I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst—well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.FALSTAFF 390Farewell, farewell.He exits ⌜with Bardolph, Page, and Musicians.⌝HOSTESS Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these twenty-nine years, come peasecod time, but an honester and truer-hearted man—well, fare thee well.BARDOLPH, ⌜within⌝ 395Mistress Tearsheet!HOSTESS What’s the matter?BARDOLPH, ⌜within⌝ Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.HOSTESS O, run, Doll, run, run, good Doll. [Come.—400 She comes blubbered.—Yea! Will you come, Doll?]They exit.
Henry IV, Part 2
