Enter the two French ⌜Lords⌝ and some two
or three Soldiers.FIRST LORD You have not given him his mother’s letter?SECOND LORD I have delivered it an hour since. There is something in ’t that stings his nature, for on the5 reading it he changed almost into another man.FIRST LORD He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shaking off so good a wife and so sweet a lady.SECOND LORD Especially he hath incurred the everlasting displeasure of the King, who had even tuned10 his bounty to sing happiness to him. I will tell you a thing, but you shall let it dwell darkly with you.
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FIRST LORD When you have spoken it, ’tis dead, and I am the grave of it.SECOND LORD He hath perverted a young gentlewoman15 here in Florence of a most chaste renown, and this night he fleshes his will in the spoil of her honor. He hath given her his monumental ring and thinks himself made in the unchaste composition.FIRST LORD Now God delay our rebellion! As we are20 ourselves, what things are we!SECOND LORD Merely our own traitors. And, as in the common course of all treasons we still see them reveal themselves till they attain to their abhorred ends, so he that in this action contrives against his25 own nobility, in his proper stream o’erflows himself.FIRST LORD Is it not meant damnable in us to be trumpeters of our unlawful intents? We shall not, then, have his company tonight?SECOND LORD 30Not till after midnight, for he is dieted to his hour.FIRST LORD That approaches apace. I would gladly have him see his company anatomized, that he might take a measure of his own judgments35 wherein so curiously he had set this counterfeit.SECOND LORD We will not meddle with him till he come, for his presence must be the whip of the other.FIRST LORD In the meantime, what hear you of these40 wars?SECOND LORD I hear there is an overture of peace.FIRST LORD Nay, I assure you, a peace concluded.SECOND LORD What will Count Rossillion do then? Will he travel higher or return again into France?FIRST LORD 45I perceive by this demand you are not altogether of his counsel.SECOND LORD Let it be forbid, sir! So should I be a great deal of his act.
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FIRST LORD Sir, his wife some two months since fled50 from his house. Her pretense is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaques le Grand, which holy undertaking with most austere sanctimony she accomplished. And, there residing, the tenderness of her nature became as a prey to her grief; in fine, made a groan55 of her last breath, and now she sings in heaven.SECOND LORD How is this justified?FIRST LORD The stronger part of it by her own letters, which makes her story true even to the point of her death. Her death itself, which could not be her60 office to say is come, was faithfully confirmed by the rector of the place.SECOND LORD Hath the Count all this intelligence?FIRST LORD Ay, and the particular confirmations, point from point, to the full arming of the verity.SECOND LORD 65I am heartily sorry that he’ll be glad of this.FIRST LORD How mightily sometimes we make us comforts of our losses.SECOND LORD And how mightily some other times we70 drown our gain in tears. The great dignity that his valor hath here acquired for him shall at home be encountered with a shame as ample.FIRST LORD The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together. Our virtues would be proud75 if our faults whipped them not, and our crimes would despair if they were not cherished by our virtues.Enter a ⌜Servant.⌝ How now? Where’s your master?SERVANT He met the Duke in the street, sir, of whom80 he hath taken a solemn leave. His Lordship will next morning for France. The Duke hath offered him letters of commendations to the King.
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SECOND LORD They shall be no more than needful there, if they were more than they can commend.85 They cannot be too sweet for the King’s tartness.Enter ⌜Bertram⌝ Count Rossillion. Here’s his Lordship now.—How now, my lord? Is ’t not after midnight?BERTRAM I have tonight dispatched sixteen businesses, a month’s length apiece. By an abstract of90 success: I have congeed with the Duke, done my adieu with his nearest, buried a wife, mourned for her, writ to my lady mother I am returning, entertained my convoy, and between these main parcels of dispatch effected many nicer needs. The last95 was the greatest, but that I have not ended yet.SECOND LORD If the business be of any difficulty, and this morning your departure hence, it requires haste of your Lordship.BERTRAM I mean the business is not ended as fearing100 to hear of it hereafter. But shall we have this dialogue between the Fool and the Soldier? Come, bring forth this counterfeit module; has deceived me like a double-meaning prophesier.SECOND LORD Bring him forth. Has sat i’ th’ stocks all105 night, poor gallant knave.⌜Soldiers exit.⌝BERTRAM No matter. His heels have deserved it in usurping his spurs so long. How does he carry himself?SECOND LORD I have told your Lordship already: the110 stocks carry him. But to answer you as you would be understood: he weeps like a wench that had shed her milk. He hath confessed himself to Morgan, whom he supposes to be a friar, from the time of his remembrance to this very instant disaster of115 his setting i’ th’ stocks. And what think you he hath confessed?
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BERTRAM Nothing of me, has he?SECOND LORD His confession is taken, and it shall be read to his face. If your Lordship be in ’t, as I120 believe you are, you must have the patience to hear it.Enter Parolles, ⌜blindfolded,⌝ with his Interpreter,
⌜the First Soldier.⌝BERTRAM A plague upon him! Muffled! He can say nothing of me.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside to Bertram⌝ Hush, hush. Hoodman125 comes.—Portotartarossa.FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜to Parolles⌝ He calls for the tortures. What will you say without ’em?PAROLLES I will confess what I know without constraint. If you pinch me like a pasty, I can say no130 more.FIRST SOLDIER Bosko Chimurcho.⌜FIRST⌝ LORD Boblibindo chicurmurco.FIRST SOLDIER You are a merciful general.—Our general bids you answer to what I shall ask you out of a135 note.PAROLLES And truly, as I hope to live.FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜as if reading a note⌝ First, demand of
him how many horse the Duke is strong.—What say you to that?PAROLLES 140Five or six thousand, but very weak and unserviceable. The troops are all scattered, and the commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputation and credit, and as I hope to live.FIRST SOLDIER Shall I set down your answer so?PAROLLES 145Do. I’ll take the Sacrament on ’t, how and which way you will.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ All’s one to him. What a past-saving slave is this!FIRST LORD, ⌜aside to Bertram⌝ You’re deceived, my
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150 lord. This is Monsieur Parolles, the gallant militarist—that was his own phrase—that had the whole theoric of war in the knot of his scarf, and the practice in the chape of his dagger.SECOND LORD, ⌜aside⌝ I will never trust a man again for155 keeping his sword clean, nor believe he can have everything in him by wearing his apparel neatly.FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜to Parolles⌝ Well, that’s set down.PAROLLES “Five or six thousand horse,” I said—I will say true—“or thereabouts” set down, for I’ll speak160 truth.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside⌝ He’s very near the truth in this.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ But I con him no thanks for ’t, in the nature he delivers it.PAROLLES “Poor rogues,” I pray you say.FIRST SOLDIER 165Well, that’s set down.PAROLLES I humbly thank you, sir. A truth’s a truth. The rogues are marvelous poor.FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜as if reading a note⌝ Demand of him of
what strength they are o’ foot.—What say you to170 that?PAROLLES By my troth, sir, if I were to live ⌜but⌝ this present hour, I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio a hundred and fifty, Sebastian so many, Corambus so many, Jaques so many; Guiltian, Cosmo,175 Lodowick and Gratii, two hundred fifty each; mine own company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred fifty each; so that the muster-file, rotten and sound, upon my life amounts not to fifteen thousand poll, half of the which dare not shake the180 snow from off their cassocks lest they shake themselves to pieces.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ What shall be done to him?FIRST LORD, ⌜aside⌝ Nothing but let him have thanks. (⌜Aside to First Soldier.⌝) Demand of him my condition185 and what credit I have with the Duke.
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FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜to Parolles⌝ Well, that’s set down. ⌜Pretending
to read:⌝ You shall demand of him whether
one Captain Dumaine be i’ th’ camp, a Frenchman;
what his reputation is with the Duke, what his valor,
190 honesty, and expertness in wars; or whether he
thinks it were not possible with well-weighing sums
of gold to corrupt him to a revolt.—What say you to this? What do you know of it?PAROLLES I beseech you let me answer to the particular195 of the inter’gatories. Demand them singly.FIRST SOLDIER Do you know this Captain Dumaine?PAROLLES I know him. He was a botcher’s prentice in Paris, from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve’s fool with child, a dumb innocent that200 could not say him nay.BERTRAM, ⌜aside to First Lord⌝ Nay, by your leave, hold your hands, though I know his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.FIRST SOLDIER Well, is this captain in the Duke of205 Florence’s camp?PAROLLES Upon my knowledge he is, and lousy.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside to Bertram⌝ Nay, look not so upon me. We shall hear of your ⌜Lordship⌝ anon.FIRST SOLDIER What is his reputation with the Duke?PAROLLES 210The Duke knows him for no other but a poor officer of mine, and writ to me this other day to turn him out o’ th’ band. I think I have his letter in my pocket.FIRST SOLDIER Marry, we’ll search.⌜They search Parolles’ pockets.⌝PAROLLES 215In good sadness, I do not know. Either it is there, or it is upon a file with the Duke’s other letters in my tent.FIRST SOLDIER Here ’tis; here’s a paper. Shall I read it to you?PAROLLES 220I do not know if it be it or no.
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BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ Our interpreter does it well.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside⌝ Excellently.FIRST SOLDIER ⌜reads⌝ Dian, the Count’s a fool and full
of gold—PAROLLES 225That is not the Duke’s letter, sir. That is an advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count Rossillion, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very ruttish. I pray you, sir, put it up again.FIRST SOLDIER 230Nay, I’ll read it first, by your favor.PAROLLES My meaning in ’t, I protest, was very honest in the behalf of the maid, for I knew the young count to be a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity and devours up all the fry it235 finds.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ Damnable both-sides rogue!FIRST SOLDIER ⌜reads⌝ When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and
take it.
After he scores, he never pays the score.
240 Half won is match well made. Match, and well
make it.
He ne’er pays after-debts. Take it before.
And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this:
Men are to mell with; boys are not to kiss.
245 For count of this: the Count’s a fool, I know it,
Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,
Parolles.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ He shall be whipped through the250 army with this rhyme in ’s forehead.SECOND LORD, ⌜aside⌝ This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold linguist and the armipotent soldier.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ I could endure anything before but a cat, and now he’s a cat to me.FIRST SOLDIER, ⌜to Parolles⌝ 255I perceive, sir, by ⌜our⌝ general’s looks we shall be fain to hang you.
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PAROLLES My life, sir, in any case! Not that I am afraid to die, but that, my offenses being many, I would repent out the remainder of nature. Let me live,260 sir, in a dungeon, i’ th’ stocks, or anywhere, so I may live.FIRST SOLDIER We’ll see what may be done, so you confess freely. Therefore once more to this Captain Dumaine: you have answered to his reputation265 with the Duke, and to his valor. What is his honesty?PAROLLES He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister. For rapes and ravishments, he parallels Nessus. He professes not keeping of oaths. In breaking ’em he270 is stronger than Hercules. He will lie, sir, with such volubility that you would think truth were a fool. Drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine-drunk, and in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bedclothes about him; but they know275 his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but little more to say, sir, of his honesty; he has everything that an honest man should not have; what an honest man should have, he has nothing.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside⌝ I begin to love him for this.BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ 280For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon him! For me, he’s more and more a cat.FIRST SOLDIER What say you to his expertness in war?PAROLLES Faith, sir, has led the drum before the English285 tragedians. To belie him I will not, and more of his soldiership I know not, except in that country he had the honor to be the officer at a place there called Mile End, to instruct for the doubling of files. I would do the man what honor I can, but290 of this I am not certain.FIRST LORD, ⌜aside⌝ He hath out-villained villainy so far that the rarity redeems him.
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BERTRAM, ⌜aside⌝ A pox on him! He’s a cat still.FIRST SOLDIER His qualities being at this poor price,295 I need not to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.PAROLLES Sir, for a cardecu he will sell the fee-simple of his salvation, the inheritance of it, and cut th’ entail from all remainders, and a perpetual succession300 for it perpetually.FIRST SOLDIER What’s his brother, the other Captain Dumaine?SECOND LORD, ⌜aside⌝ Why does he ask him of me?FIRST SOLDIER What’s he?PAROLLES 305E’en a crow o’ th’ same nest: not altogether so great as the first in goodness, but greater a great deal in evil. He excels his brother for a coward, yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is. In a retreat he outruns any lackey. Marry, in coming on310 he has the cramp.FIRST SOLDIER If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray the Florentine?PAROLLES Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rossillion.FIRST SOLDIER 315I’ll whisper with the General and know his pleasure.PAROLLES, ⌜aside⌝ I’ll no more drumming. A plague of all drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to beguile the supposition of that lascivious young320 boy the Count, have I run into this danger. Yet who would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?FIRST SOLDIER There is no remedy, sir, but you must die. The General says you that have so traitorously325 discovered the secrets of your army and made such pestiferous reports of men very nobly held can serve the world for no honest use. Therefore you must die.—Come, headsman, off with his head.
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PAROLLES 330O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!FIRST SOLDIER That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends. ⌜He removes the blindfold.⌝ So, look about you. Know you any here?BERTRAM 335Good morrow, noble captain.SECOND LORD God bless you, Captain Parolles.FIRST LORD God save you, noble captain.SECOND LORD Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafew? I am for France.FIRST LORD 340Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rossillion? An I were not a very coward, I’d compel it of you. But fare you well.⌜Bertram and Lords⌝ exit.FIRST SOLDIER You are undone, captain—all but your345 scarf; that has a knot on ’t yet.PAROLLES Who cannot be crushed with a plot?FIRST SOLDIER If you could find out a country where but women were that had received so much shame, you might begin an impudent nation. Fare350 you well, sir. I am for France too. We shall speak of you there.He exits.PAROLLES Yet am I thankful. If my heart were great, ’Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more, But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft355 As captain shall. Simply the thing I am Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart, Let him fear this, for it will come to pass That every braggart shall be found an ass. Rust, sword; cool, blushes; and Parolles live360 Safest in shame. Being fooled, by fool’ry thrive. There’s place and means for every man alive. I’ll after them.He exits.
All’s Well That Ends Well
